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New me mommy

I came across with one of my old blog posts, which mentioned that I used to wake up at 6 a.m. for my asana practice every morning. Honestly it broke my heart, as I can’t manage to wake up at 6 any more, not after the baby. The baby is not a baby anymore but a 2.5-year-old toddler. Maybe I am a lazy person now and I am making excuses for not being as disciplined as before but I simply cannot wake up that early anymore. I am tired; I’ve been tired for the last 2.5 years. I guess I had underestimated being a mother. I know better now. In the earlier days it was about sleep deprivation, now it is more about emotional fatigue than physical tiredness. It is about explaining a toddler why she really has to poop after 8 days while she decided that she wouldn’t poop anymore. It is about explaining why she can’t do everything that she wants to do. It is about convincing her to go to bed knowing that she would be cranky for the rest of the day if she doesn’t sleep. It is about watching her to lose it and waiting for her to calm down. You got it.

I was beating myself up for not practicing as much as I used to do. It took me some time to let go of guilt and to accept my new life and new me. You replace the word yoga with whatever that you used to do and you get the feeling. Different word, same story.

What is it that we expect ourselves to live like we used to when we didn’t have babies and the only reason that we woke up late was either we had a late night with friends enjoying a lot of wine or we simply wanted to sleep.

We beat ourselves up about the mistakes we made. Oh I shouldn’t have snapped, oh I should’ve put her in bed earlier and the list goes on and we never give ourselves credit for all the good things we do. We focus on our shortcomings rather than our virtues. You know what It is ok to be tired and not to want to do anything but watching some stupid series, not even a french movie. It is ok not to try to be a super mom and just try to be a decent human being for the day. It is ok to cry sometimes and feel depressed, it is ok to find yourself praying for an extra hour of sleep. This doesn't make you lazy.

Now I am here accepting that I don’t practice yoga as much as I used to do and I am ok with it. I know that it doesn’t make me a bad yogini. I am just what I am and I love who I am.

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