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Comes along the nightingale

39 weeks 4 days, 554 injections and a long lasting psychological war (with my older one) later I held my second baby after a very fast but intense labor. The immense emotions of that very first moment when they put my little boy on my chest are beyond words. I was completely blissed out for the second time in my life. Those big eyes looking straight into my eyes took away the entire nuisance caused by 554 injections or the lower back and pubic pain I experienced towards the end.

After 2 months of sleepless nights and days filled with fatigue I finally found time to write. I don’t have time to practice yoga lately as I am blessed with a colicky baby who finds comfort only when he is held and rocked. I miss my practice, I miss my old clothes but I know that those days will come. Now is the time for me to be with my kids. Yesterday my 3.5 year old told us the story of a little mermaid who was abandoned by her parents. She kept looking for them but they were lost. It broke my heart to be seen as lost by her; it broke my heart to find out that she feels abandoned. It only makes sense though as I am always carrying the baby when she asks me to play with her. I can’t shake this feeling of not being enough for them both. Then I tell myself that probably every child who has a sibling goes through the same thing in the first months.

A couple of days ago I found a moment of solitude on the beach. My parents were looking after the younger one and hubby was playing with the older one. I was sitting there on that isolated beach looking out to the infinity of the sea, sand between my toes, a gentle breeze on my face, sun on my skin. I just sat there without doing anything, I didn’t think about a single thing. Then came along the nightingale playing with the wind. I remembered what freedom was for me; still being able to stay in my centre no matter what happens outside, keeping singing my own song. When I was at that state it was impossible to miss out on the moment. I knew instantly that I could always come back to that moment even on this rainy Swiss day, as every moment I stop, take a deep breath and be aware is that moment of peace. That magical feeling of being in the now as Eckhart Tolle put it beautifully. All I have to do is to choose to be there. This is my sanctuary where I find solace from the hurdles of everyday life with a toddler and a baby. Then I heard the laughter of my beautiful girl, that innocent joy. I knew that I wanted a piece of that. When you focus on love and joy nothing bums you out for too long, not even a colicky baby :) Still tired but very happy…

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